Troubled At Twelve
When I was 12 I had my first pre-pre-pre mid life crisis with the emergence of Kriss Kross and TLC…they were kids my age who had made it big and somehow their success made me feel like a failure…I was slapped on the face with the realization that there are people more talented/smarter/cooler than me…not just in my own social setting but in the world out there/the bigger picture. It was at twelve that I realized I wanted to get me some of that acclaim/applause/fame…amused by the emergence of such young talent my parents would say, “Mehroo dekha hai they are your ageeee” and I would be thinking “ Yeaa I knowww stop rubbing my failures in my face” as I gave them a fake smile hahaha… I was a hilarious kid who took herself too seriously haha..I guess it comes with the terrain of being the eldest…I was really harsh on myself since it dawned upon me that I had no real talent…I couldn’t sing/dance/play a sport/play an instrument…at least not on national level and certainly not on an international level… “Ha! Jack of all trades master of none” I thought to myself…and then Dougie Houser MD, child prodigy appeared on the scene and I knew it was game over for me…hahaha…and I completely gave up!As I grew up I got over it…but the familiar feelings would come creeping back now and then…for example I was ecstatic to get into the University of Michigan and was very proud of my performance there…but then I found out that a kid from my school got into Harvard, and while I was extremely proud of him, I couldn’t help but think why not me…I couldn’t help but reproach myself for not having studied harder, for not having participated in enough extra-curricular activities, for not being a world class athlete...today feelings of inadequacy come rushing back when I see people like Sania Mirza carving out a name for themselves in the world out there while I sit here on my ass thinking about all the things I want to achieve but never do anything about…but today my feelings are conflicted, because on the one hand I hate myself for not having achieved as much/or anything for that matter hahaha…while on the other hand I look up to these young stars, I appreciate their talent and salute their hard work and dedication. A feeling of overwhelming pride comes over me when I see one of my “own” people ( Pakistani/Muslim/people my age/women) make it out there in the big bad world and I cant help but smile, I cant help but wish them all the best, I cant help but pray for them and cheer them on.
The truth is there will always be people out there who are smarter/cooler/taller/fairer/prettier/thinner/brighter/funnier/richer, just as they will be people who are worse of than you and me...we just be happy with what we’ve got and make the most of our own assets…its important to understand that the competition is not/should not be with other people per se but in the end the competition is only with our selves…the goal should not be to be no. 1 in the rat race...but instead to push ourselves to do the best we can do and be the best that we can be…and some day soon we will all make a difference in this world we live in, in our own little way...inshallah!
sania
posted by Meher at 12:07 AM
29 Comments:
dude.seriously half the cricket team of pakistan is younger than me.majority of the pop stars,sports stars, are younger than me and im not even 25 yrs old.so yeah i feel envious.i wish i had some supremely superior talent in one thing.talent good enough to win me fame,riches and....but first a person needs to be born with some ability.secondly someone needs to recognise that early on and thirdly you have to be lucky enough and determined enough to see things through.whats worse is there are a lot more people who have loads of talent but just dont make it.so i for one will admit that i have gotten over the celebrity thing cos hey i cant sing,play instruments or play sports.what i can do is excel at what i do.if that means doing a business then thats what i need to focus on.as for glory stuff.im no longer in it for the glory.im in it for the money and my sense of self-satisfaction.had to put in the money element.hehe
4:18 PM
FABULOUS points Haroon..the least we can do is collectively raise money for a worthy cause.."We stand in a position,that with the right amount of optimism, consistency,and vision,one can manifest his/her goals into reality and cause a genuine uplift in the lives of others who are not as priviliged as you." brilliant!!! also sania mirza is too cool and i did hear the news about Mukhtar Mai and i am absolutely ecstaticcccccccccc..i was confused about my position regardin the death penalty but in this case im totally in favor of it...and as Jarrar pointed out in his blog examples def need to be set...
8:52 PM
Jarrar i'm glad u are over the celebrity thing..fame/glory are things you want as a child..atleast that was the case for me..now i just want to be happy/successful and do my lil bit in this world...i dont need recognition...i dont want/need my name to be in history books...but my point is when u compare urself to those who have somehow made it big(not just celebrities) you push yourself harder..at whatever it is that you want to do/achieve/be...and being a business man is cool as hell..its not about glory..its about achieving your maximum potential...to tell you the truth i'm a little worried about your new found love for money hahaha but if you want to make money to provide yourself and your family with a comfortable life and share that money with those in need around you..excellent..but if you want to make money to buy better watches/cars/acquire more land, wealth,power,position then EWW...its the motivation behind it that matters...kya khayal!?!
9:11 PM
Till A levels, when I wanted to write a book I used to think oh man look at nayntara noorani and look at kamila shamsie..and as I was growing up the window of time I gave to myself grew less. Until I realized, I don’t want to write the kind of books they’ve written..and maybe that’s why I wasn’t doing it in the first place. Not because I couldn’t (no, seriously :P) but because the sort of commitment that leads to a magnum opus is not based on just “wanting” to write a great book but that, the fame, the being so to speak is secondary to the actual process of writing. And you would write it because you loved it because you felt deeply about it. Pehlay these kids used to depress me by their very existence. Now they are indicative of opportunities because they show you that accomplishment doesn’t need to have any set frames, there’s no age to be famous for something and what it boils down to is finding something you love doing so much, that your pure interest in it makes you the Alpha. Fame for fame’s sake is as tempting as it is distracting. It’s like people who want to become lawyers and doctors and then mid way in their career realize its not what they really wanted…and switch to direction or production. Better slow and Arundhati Roy than quick and people-I-will-not-name-because-it-is-mean.
9:30 PM
Bubba..about the bird..SO NOT! hahaha...other than that i totally agree with you..you always show me a diff angle..but my point is its not just about fame..its just that when u compare urself to those who have made it big(albeit by the yardsticks of this world)you tend to try harder...and like you mentioned there are so many people who are making a real difference in this world but are not recognised and are not seeking fame/fortune/acknowledgement...i just hope someday soon we can all make a REAL difference in this world we live, big or small; with or without recognition!
9:46 PM
Moizza,you are so right when you say there is no set framework/age to be famous/for achievement and it absolutely boils down to finding something you love doing..but how to get there (even if its slow n Arundhati) is another story all together...i remember as i child i would tell myself when i grow up i want to be a teacher/pilot/stewardess..it kept changing usually on a weekly basis!today at 23 i still have no idea what i wanna do/what i want to be when i grow up hahaha and that really scares me sometimes!
10:55 PM
Kindred spirit. At 2 45 am I am JUST coming back from a discussion on EXACTLY that. I think I'm more at sea today then I was before I started college. Maybe sometimes being parochial helps. At least being dogmatic gives you focus, but honestly, your comment is something like my first blog. Dude, I have just the vaguest direction about my master's program and I still get stifled giggles when I say, “when I grow up I want…” so it usually ends up with “to be a Quidditch player”. Apparently at this age, that’s the only thing you should have left to aim for:P
2:55 AM
Stumbled across your blog.
I enjoyed reading this entry. I just want to tell you that the University of Michigan is a good school. My little sister, who is a genius, was a star athlete in high school (she lettered in soccer and track), had a nearly perfect 4.0 GPA (with hard courses like college level calculus and biology), had an entire summer of volunteering at a medical foundation, and even had a great social life as well . . . wasn't accepted to stupid Harvard. Oh yeah, and she also got a 35 on the ACT (out of 36. Equivalent of a 1580 on the SAT). She got into U Penn, which I think is a better school anyway.
All I'm saying is Harvard sucks. And you're only 23. You still have years and years to make your mark. But I understand feeling down. I'm 27 and feel like a waste, myself.
3:56 AM
oh blah mehr!
sometimes its just nice to be plain old(lol, if thats possible *smirk*) us!
AND U KNOW IT!
i wont go all profound on u and lecture u about wat i think...and wat iv gone thru cuz ..dammit...i suck at deep thinking and talking.
im gonna say it in pure and simple khizzytalk!
u dont need world wide recognition to feel like uv done something worthwhile...little things count mehroo, they do!and the day u get it into that perfectly styled head of urs(im in 'i want a haircut' mode,lol),ull stick ur tongue out at all the sania mirzas!
i'll join u!
4:24 PM
Moizza,YES being dogmatic really does give you focus...you know I was thinking the way we are taught in school (e.g. Jinnah= good Gandhi=bad) everything is completely black and white and when you go to college you realize everything is grey...you are taught that there is no universal truth...just different interpretations...and then the same world starts to seem so different not because it has changed but because you have changed...maybe that’s why our world post-college becomes so murky...and we are left wandering about looking for/testing out which interpretation of the "truth" we believe in and what we want to do about it.
4:43 AM
"u dont need world wide recognition to feel like uv done something worthwhile...little things count" very good point khizzy...but world wide recognition wouldnt be bad either ;)
4:45 AM
haroon..im going for a masters in international mkt management this september inshallah..as far as teaching is concerned..i taught for 3 months in this all boys care school in lahore and my conclusion= teaching is by far one of the most(if not The most)difficult jobs in the universe..and i dont think im cut out for it at allll...just dont have the patience!
4:52 AM
Aries, after reading about how Harvard rejected your sister with such impeccable credentials I have to admit it really does suck!!!!! I’m glad she went to U Penn and I’m positive it was for the best...I am convinced that things happen for a reason even if at the time we cant see why..it hits us sooner or later...and after lifting my morale by saying I have time to make my mark you cant say you feel like a waste...as khizzy said its not about world wide recognition...little things definitely count...for example if you are a good person and you try not to hurt others around you...or if you are there for your friends and family when need be etc..these are all things that involve so much investment(time,effort, energy,emotions)yet don’t get the credit they deserve...
5:06 AM
Meher, yes I am back finally. yaar, you took the words out of my mouth. I have also had this complex forever about how people my age were doing soo much more with their life than me. And I know I have potential, I don't put half the effort in my academics, and yet I do better than 85% of the class, and to think how I would do if I tried. And Yale was my Harvard, and I didn't get into Yale and it broke my heart. I think I must have said tahajut namaz for 8 months before college acceptances, and when Yale didn't happen, all faith was lost :) But I am constantly bothered by how much others my age have achieved. I look at Arooj Aftab, and I'm like damn why can't I sing. And just like you, I play no sports, no instruments - musical and athletic talent is severly lacking. And I agree with you that its not about the competition with other people but ourselves. But sometimes I look back, and think that if I was a complete nerd, I wouldn't have had time to do all the stupid things I have done with my friends, random weekeend trips when you have that huge assignment due on monday. Going out the night before a final, deferring exams with doctors notes b/c we partied too much the night before, and all those things have made me me in a way, know what I mean. Accha I am just reading this blog and laughing, b/c to every bloody sentence you wrote, I keep nodding my head in agreement. So here's to agreeing. Accha by the way, you know what was #1 on my list of things to do when I moved back to Pakistan this year? Learning to drive! Ok must go eat nashta, will return and comment more.
11:06 AM
btw, what was your major for your undergrad?
11:07 AM
"smarter/cooler/taller/fairer/prettier/thinner/brighter/funnier/richer"
quoted from the last para....i think this is such a stereo type of contentment and happiness. this ideal that we all have in our minds has been generated from the media.
whether its a frigde add or a coke add...this is the image that they are potraying ...if your smarter/cooler/taller/fairer/prettier/thinner/brighter/funnier/richer
then you'll be really happy.
but i think the saddest man is the richest man...poor him he has so much money to worry about...
i think we have to change our ideals...thats what i love about art and artists they make you think beyond stereotypes and set notions...art rules.
thats what nca gave me...breaking the surface.
and what is really success......money? if u say that someone is a succesful person...how are u judging that? in monetory terms ofcource! but why cant it be beyond that ...why cant self-acheivement and contentment be success?
saba khan
im grateful to meher for letting annoymous persons comment....hate jarrar for not letting us do that...i have many things to say to jarrar
2:32 PM
Muneeba i totally agree that the spontaneous-who gives a shit- kinda decisions that we make and things that we do make us who we are..and give us stories to laugh about in the future..and i sooo feel u when u say "the random weekeend trips when you have that huge assignment due on monday. Going out the night before a final, deferring exams with doctors notes" i think these things are as much a part of the "college experience" as the studying and the exams and the papers...p.s majored in sociology
2:10 AM
Saba you make a very valid point...sana, sikander, taimur and I had this discussion once about defining success and we concluded that because we live in a capitalist society/world (of course there are other forces at work as well) more often than not success is determined in monetary terms...if someone gets into Morgan Stanley he/she is considered successful, if you are rich you are considered successful...and as Rabia apa pointed out WE have made these standards of success (Harvard, Oscars, Nobel peace prize)But as Nahzat said,"for some success is money because it is a means to all their other successes."To be rich is wonderful...but for me success is being at peace with yourself/self contentment/ happiness; things that cannot necessarily be achieved by money alone...For me a man who is filthy rich but is not good to his family (is not there for them, is not bothered to be involved in there lives, has no idea who/what his kids are,neglects his wife etc) is NOT a successful man...for me success is about balance of the private sphere and the public sphere...but that’s just my point of view...you are right there are stereotypes of happiness in our society and the media capitalizes on that fact and exploits our minds...advertising does tell us if we buy the right product we will be happy and that kinda sucks!!!! Breaking the surface is a beautifully liberating feeling and I’m glad you have managed to do so, because it’s difficult to change your ideals and even harder to change the ideals of your society...but in the end as nahz said,“success is what YOU want it to be.”
3:00 AM
Nahzat first of all there are people who look like lollywood actresses and I resent the comment about “the clown” hahaha...also when your boyfriend/husband praises someone that’s slightly different from what I was talking about because it involves a pinch of jealousy...and jealousy clouds your judgment and in such a scenario you may lash out against the person unnecessarily and sometimes necessarily hahaha..that’s not the same as sitting alone critically analyzing yourself and feeling like you don’t measure up to someone because they are successful by your own standards (not your boyfriends standards, because they are two different things) But you are right when you say, “ Everyone is special in their own special way and I feel that a comparison is unjustifiable. There is a reason why they say, “humai apne se ‘neechey’ dekh kur khuda ka shukar karna chahiye”; because every time you will look up, you will feel defeated and incomplete in obscure ways.” But I feel you should “look up” from time to time because it will push you to better yourself.
3:06 AM
oh my Goddddd Han...i dont even remember that!!!! shittt im embarrassed hehehe..i was soooo insane...i thought anything below a 16 was shameful...the pressure of livin up 2 expectations(your parents,your teachers,your friends,yourself)can be a real killer...but post 10th grade i realized its alll goodddd..of course thats why i didnt ace my o levels and got hell from my parents till yrs later hahaha..but alls well that ends well..but you know i would loveeee to have had one of my siblings at college with me...mariam and seher are together and it makes a world of difference..its such a comfort and sp. at a small school...when i was at Mich. i sometimes wished it was smaller...cos in a college of 45,000 you are just an id number not really a person...so you are really lucky!!! :) also i dont aspire to to THE BEST(anymore hahaha)..i am happy just doing the best i can...but u r right life is about findin that balance, that middle ground..man it sucks that we werent oh so close in school..im soooo grateful 4 our trip 2 ottowa..and im soooo glad i finally found you..you rehanna khan are awesome!!!
2:39 AM
since each and every angle has been covered and re-covered,ill just like to say that this particular post has really been amazing.for one it brought out so many different ideas and opinions which is great.so without further ado ill jst add my two pence which is that whatever makes you tick is the only thing important.everyone's path to happiness is different.everyone's means of acheiving happiness could be different.as long as someone's happiness is not at the deliberate expense of someone else then thts just great.if making money makes anyone happy good for tht person.doing voluntary work in far flung,remote poverty stricken areas is someones sense of acheivement then three cheers for them.so like everything, its relative.i personally dont like judging which is better or more noble.live and let live i guess.oh and saba im sorry i didnt realise my blog had restricted anonmous comments.the restriction has been lifted.fire away:)
11:40 AM
thankyou jarrar for lifting sanctions off of anonymous persons.
i think this has been great. its good to see our generation is so aware and actually interested in whats going on around. i was watching the G8 thing and their argument for having concerts around the world was that they wanted to make their youth aware of the afican crisis and to get them involved in it....we're already doing that without the concerts ...hehe
saba khan
12:40 PM
sana: absolutely! perhaps it is human nature that we want more n more even from ourselves!!!the incomplete/someting's missing feelin is shitty as hell..but maybe thats what keeps us goin..but i think at some point we have 2 say enough ive achieved this this this in my life and now i want 2 spend time with people who matter...of course that "point" may come at 25 55 or 75 and that again is subjective...but sometimes i wonder why we lack self-contentment! why we cant be happy with what we've got..why we cant be happy with our raw self..
nahz: you are soooooo right! sometimes when our loved ones praise someone else we get all defensive/naraz/offended/insecure for example if my parents say some girl is brilliant that doesnt mean i am not..but usually i miscontrue it and take it as a direct threat :)which it hardly ever is!how totally retarded hahaha...and yea i agree that we underestimate the influence of those around us...but ive decided ur 2 cool!!!
saba,jarrar,haroon: i TOTALLY agree!!!
thank you all for takin time out 2 comment...i really do appreciate it...this blog stuff is great..i lurveee this to and fro boom boom boom exchange of ideas/point of views/opinions..intellectual stimulation GALORE! :)
7:31 PM
the funny thing is that most of us when and if we have kids will put them under the same pressure just because like they love us we will love our kids and this is the unintended consequence of love.
6:49 PM
Haha, when i was 13 i discovered that Michelle Branch learnt how to play the guitar at that age. I annoyed the hell out of my father, begged and pleaded till he got me one, and now two years later its sitting in the corner of my room abnormally out of tune and gathering dust. It's all about the drive i guess:p
11:29 PM
Lilly when monica seles got stabbed I was so angryyyyy i decided i will carry on her name/legacy hahaha...i got these fancy tennis rackets, even a coach but after two lessons in the heat in garrison...I disappeared from the world of tennis forever hahaha...it is about the will/drive/determination and unless you absolutely love what you do...you inevitably lose focus/interest hopefully one day i'll find something i loveeeeeee doin..till then trial n error it is :)
12:29 AM
"I admit it's tempting to wish for the perfect boss, the perfect parent, or the perfect outfit. But maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got." Carrie Bradshaw
2:04 AM
muneeba i THINK i have wordcall..ill make sure n let u know
4:39 AM
yup..its safe to assume we use the same network..afterall we live in the same house hehehe...there Muneeba you have your answer
1:32 AM
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