The Comfort of Conversation

I’m back!!! Have been wanting to write about hajj since January but have discarded many a draft as no amount of words can do the experience justice…I’ve decided to wait till I find the right words, realizing that might never happen hehe…work has given me a chance to travel, meet new people and learn new things...but recently I have noticed myself zoning out of meaningless conversations about angelina jolie and brad pitt, interesting presentations that are so long and repetitive I lose concentration, useless rhetoric, and random small talk…I feel like saying “ stop using these empty phrases and big words man sahi tarha batao kya hai” hahaha…which in effect has convinced me that no amount of books, movies, presentations, seminars, courses at college can teach you what you can learn from a one to one conversation with a friend/colleague/family member or even an acquaintance…and here I’m talking about a REAL conversation…an exchange of ideas/feelings/emotions/thoughts/experiences...be it sitting with a parent/grand parent/aunt/uncle/sibling/friend...listening to them recount a memorable experience that impacted their lives is absolutely priceless...listening to them dispensing advice or turning to you for some is again, in my mind, very fullfilling.

The thing is, God created us as speaking creatures and it is speech that distinguishes human beings from other species. Too often I feel we don’t open up/let others in and sometimes for good reason hehe…its difficult to trust…but too many friendships never go beyond that superficial stage because we have mastered the art, not of communication, but of small talk…my mom uses a saraiki phrase to explain such things...she says it’s a case of “ buss story story heyy khahani kujh koi nae” hahaha...that I would say is an apt and befitting description…. It's possible to talk endlessly about sports, fashion, music, work…But that's not enough. We need people with whom we can share our innermost thoughts/ideas/experiences…that’s the only way we can really connect with each other, beneath the surface.

Forget friends, even family members can and usually live in communicative isolation. We can live in the same house, watch tv like zombies for hours, eat together yet not communicate for days. It’s so easy to live in your own little corner, isolated in your room, listening to your own music, grappling with your own struggles. We need to be with others, not to watch television (although silent bonding is important as well and better than nothing) but to be together and communicate. Without such an exchange you can stifle in your own self-contained box and stagnate emotionally.

In Tuesday’s with Morrie (which by the way is a feel good/motivated must read) Mitch says, “ I spent so many hours on things that meant absolutely nothing to be personally: movie starts, supermodels, the latest noise out of Princess Di or Madonna or John F Kennedy Jr…why did we bother with all the distractions we did? Morrie had created a cocoon of human activities- conversation, interaction, affection- and it filled his life like an overflowing soup bowl.” Morrie said, “So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they are chasing the wrong things.” And that is soooo truee!!!

I think conversations give you a chance to build deep connections (re-build old ones) and explore entire worlds...they give you a chance to vent/to share/to listen/to learn/to give advice and receive it…you know the whole dukh sukh bantna philosophy is oh so comforting!! The resulting relationship is infinitely more rewarding! As the Telenor add says “talk less say more” “hear less listen more” or something to that effect!!!

The Ant Can't See

This July I remember feeling frustrated and confused trying to decide which course to take: masters vs. work. I craved the freedom and insouciance of life at college and dreaded the idea of work = getting out of the isolated little bubble that was my life in Lahore. My brain was working over time worrying me to death about the “ifs” “buts” and “oh shit’s”. I wanted to escape/runaway to London = my sanctuary where I could be on my own free to do as I please without any restrictions, obligations, questions of marriage and children looming large. I was faced with the opportunity to work in the One Village One Product Programme and I was too scared to reach out and grab it.

Forward to five months later- December 2005 update/current status: I got back from London three weeks ago after a much needed and refreshing 6 week break/change of scenery. I got a taste of the freedom I craved, ate like a maniac,took a trip to rome and many trips to new york,watched movies and learned how to make shoes hahaha(amongst other classes I was taking shoemaking at saint martins = trying to delve in to something creative for inspiration and fullfillment)Since my return I have started working at SMEDA (small and medium enterprise development authority) under the One Village One Product Programme (now known as AHAN aik hunar aik nagar) and I’m loving it. So I am very very grateful to God because I feel like I got the best of both worlds in SMALL doses- of course I didn’t get exactly what I wanted but its close enough for me to be ecstatic!

Point: Life has a strange way of working out/going your way even when you least expect it...so try and be patient (which is next to impossible for me to do hehe)

Raja of Mahmudabad rahimahullah has said: “What does the ant know of the pattern of a Persian carpet?” It is as if the ant is crawling through a forest of trees of the carpet and does not know what the pattern is, but if we look at it we see that the ant is in fact moving through a completely structured and determined set of patterns of enormous complexity. That is the reality of the existence of that instance. But this is also true of us.”

So the ant can’t see the pattern, but that don’t mean it aint there :) YA SEE!?!? So even if you can only see the trees you have to know that you are actually making your way through a forest...no matter how lost and direction less you feel, know that you will find your way...I’m not saying I have found mine but I know ill get there one day...all we can do is put in our all and know that we will get there- EVENTUALLY! inshallah :)

The Frustration of Fear and Fantasies

When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun and happiness with little or no regard for repercussions, you say what you mean/do as you please and somehow just deal with the consequences. You feel like no matter what happens you will be okay…As you grow older you tend to become more cautious, you think before you speak, you look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all...the fear of failure, disappointment, regret and repercussions is enough for most of us not to take that leap of faith…fearing repetition of past mistakes and remembering the pain that was associated with them, you shy away from new opportunities- feeling you have too much to lose… With the passage of time your idealistic ideologies and fantasies about life slowly start to disintegrate and before you know it they are replaced by new “realistic” versions altered by the course of negative personal experiences and of course that FEAR…be it choosing a career path, a partner, making new friends and trusting old ones…you learn to protect yourself as a voice from within tells you “ don’t be so trusting” “don’t be so naive” “wake up and smell the damn coffee”…that voice from with in that knows how you have suffered along the way on account of blind faith, trust and the feeling of invincibility-all the wonders of youth and the magic that surrounds it.

When you’re in school all you have to really do is make sure you get into college, when you’re in college all you have to do is make it to class and get decent grades but come graduation and BOOM…you ask yourself “what do I wanna be when I grow up” and then you think “wait a minute…I have grown up! What do I want to do? What do I wanna be? Who do I wanna be with?!?! FOREVER…and that’s scary…the thing is since birth we are told by those around us that we can do anything and be anyone-the choices are endless…but when you grow up you realize that once you choose one option (a job, a career, a guy) all other options go away…even scarier!! The most frustrating part of it all is that when you’re faced with any important decision you worry yourself to death thinking about anything and everything that can possibly go wrong…So amidst a haze of fear and anxiety you’re left to wonder what you really want, why and for how long

I feel like a contradiction…I don’t want to let go of my fantasies…I want to believe-in myself and those around me…I want to believe in true love, in the perfect job that you love and adore-that not only makes you feel productive but gives you a reason to wake up every morning with a smile on your face looking forward to the day ahead…I want to trust, even if I get hurt in the process…BUT the fear of permanence/the idea that this is FOREVER renders me unable to commit to anything…knowing that I have made mistakes in the past and how I have suffered I cant help but worry myself to death with every possible scenario and so many questions-“what if I fail” “what if I get hurt” “ will I really be able to recover- again?!?!”…choices/options/decisions…. weighing the pros and cons, calculating the probability of failure a 1001 times, I convince myself its just not worth it and in an effort to protect myself I decide to take no action at all, cos I figure that way I’ll be safe…but the truth is that is a sad saddd existence…I feel absolutely incapacitated and trapped in a prison of my own making…the truth is sometimes letting go is the only way to move forward because living life in constant fear is not living at all…So this is what I’ve decided to do- I’m going to tell that scared little voice from within to shut up…I’m not letting go of my fantasies…I don’t want to live this jaded existence…I’m going to trust! I’m going to believe and not look back! I’m going to take that leap of faith! Because I would rather try and fail than not try at all…but this time I’m going to dream big and take small steps!! Veryyy small steps and just hope/wish/pray for the absolute best! inshallah!

me

High School Reunion

School was a such magical time- non-issues that seemed like life altering occurrences, the endless list of rules and the thrill of breaking them, water fights, the exhilaration of bunking (even though that meant hiding out in the bathroom), passing notes in class, the trepidation of o levels, the excitement of volleyball, the insanely gross yellow uniform, the obnoxious names we had for our teachers, the talent shows which always included a fashion show hahaha, the basketball matches with l.a.s and l.c.a.s which was, lets face it, a time to see and be seen hahaha…lunch at zouk, bowling, ice cream at chill out, the elation of a new crush, the endless giggles and laughing fits, the photo sessions- God we thought we were gorgeous when in actuality we were bushy eye browed, swollen nosed awkward teenagers who were pretty damn clueless when it came to “dressing up” hahaha (for the majority of our high school experience anyway)- then of course there were the cliques, the labels, the attitudeee and of course the studs who were “too cool for school” haha-we were convinced we were invincible…a world of possibilities lay ahead of us and it felt like it was ours for the taking…we were the Class of 2000 and life at The International School Of Choueifat was absolutely fabulous.

Five years later the Class of 2000 reunited unexpectedly and it was a surreal experience. It was the first time we met as people, as ourselves- without any cliques, without any labels, as all those distinctions seem to have faded away with the passage of time- except of course that there was voluntary segregation for most of the evening haha…it was heartening to know that each of us are excelling at our own field- some are pursuing law degrees, others mba’s, some have ventured into politics, others are tending to their lands, most have been initiated in to the family business, some are working abroad, a few are married, others engaged and most plain single and ecstatic. The “attitudes” had been shed for friendly conversing, bonding and lots of laughter…people had acquired better dress sense/style/confidence even accents but I couldn’t help but think none of us had changed all that much. It was surreal because so much time had passed without any kind of communication, we went to separate colleges, led separate lives, met different people, learnt new things- we grew up and grew apart, yet so much has stayed the same. I guess sometimes we overestimate the rate of expected change…after all we were expected to have Jetsonesque flying cars by year 2000…clearly that didn’t happen…and of course our very own city 2001- futuristic video game galore…how cute!!! So either we were expecting to transform drastically in the span of five years or it’s just that while we have all changed significantly as individuals, as a group we possess the same relationships/bonds/wave length as we did in high school and that’s why the change seems almost negligible…either way it’s a comfort to know that we can still relate to each other, it’s a comfort to know we still share this silent bond of having studied at the same place at the same time, being subjected to the same torture 8 hours a day…conclusion- some of the strongest bonds/ friendships are formed in high school and have the potential to become life long comradeships, but like every relationship they require constant nurture and care.

When I got home, I was tempted to go through my year book- whizzing through it I read the valedictory address and smiled to myself- the last paragraph read, “We first came to Choueifat so long ago as awkward kids. Over the years it has transformed us, against all odds, into awkward adults who can do calculus! Seriously, I am certain that we, the class of 2000, will be Nobel Prize Winners, famous doctors, leading economists, top scientists and renowned artists. Like the tree that symbolizes our school, we will by the grace of Allah, take root, branch out and enrich every corner of the world!” Bilal Aslam. Well we have a long way to go, but I think it’s safe to say we are on our way!!! Inshallah!

P.S those of you who couldn’t be there- just know that you were missed greatly!!!

reunion

Super Dee Dooper Man

When I was a kid I use to dress up as supergirl waiting for superman to come and sweep me of my feet-literally!!! I’d dream about flying over the world with him like Lois Lane…God I hated her hahaha…Superman was and perhaps still maybe my ideal man (although he was an alien hehe) he’s handsome,charming,powerful and hes just suchhhh a niceeee guy!!! He rescues cats from trees, endangers his life for people he doesn’t even know, acts behind the scenes and lets others receive the credit and his modesty and humility seem so soooo geuine and appealing that these qualities leave his foes and critics confused and dumbstruck, as they try to grapple why he spends his life helping others and doing good. I guess Superman symbolizes what is best in man.

In Kill bill 2 there is a discussion/dialogue between Bill and Beatrice about Superman’s unique condition of having Clark Kent as his alter ego instead of the other way around. Superman is who he is. Clark Kent is his 'alter ego', which is the opposite of most hero's. Bill explains that most superheroes are people who have to transform themselves to become a superhero: “Bruce Wayne has to put on a costume to become Batman, Peter Parker goes to bed and wakes up Peter Parker, not Spider-Man.” But Superman's real identity is Superman. His cape is the blanket from the rocketship that brought him to Earth, he is always that strong. For Superman, Clark Kent is the disguise: He puts on glasses he doesn't need, wears a suit that's human and not Kryptonian, and acts like a klutz and a coward. Bill thinks the Bride/Beatrice/Uma is like Superman: She's a killer, and even if she'd left, settled down, had a family, it would still be a disguise from her true self…so the question is can we really escape/change who we basically are?!?! And if some how we manage to escape it…how long before our ‘true self’ takes over?!?

One answer to the first question is offered by the science of doyletics which claims that every event that occurs to a child before it reaches the age of five is stored as an internal state, a physical body state, a.k.a doyles, which form the substrate of every feeling and emotion the child will experience for the rest of its life. In other words many psychologists etc think a child’s BASIC personality is formed before the age of five…hmmm this would definitely support Bill’s assertion that you cannot change your ‘true self’. About the second question…there is a general consensus that genes take over after 40…which I guess would support the ‘true self taking over’ theory…but while I feel our core may remain the same, personality is ever evolving…we are constantly changing and growing (at least I hope we are hehe) we are a product of our past and present, genes and upbringing= nature and nurture, the family we have and the friends we make…over the years because of all the reasons above our ideas change, our attitudes change, our idealogies evolve, our habits change…I for one don’t feel I am the same person I was last year…not because I have bi-polar disorder haha but because I would like to believe im older/wiser/stronger…but what if Bill is right?!?! What if all these changes are temporary (till we turn 40 and boom back to basics)!?!? What if we cant change our true self?!?!is all this effort in vain!?!?

Great Expectations

The tragedy of being the eldest child in your family (apart from the fact that you are a guinea pig) is that your parents expect you to be absolutely perfect. The eldest child is expected to be responsible, sensible, intelligent, witty and wise...And it’s not just parents who impose this pressure on us; almost everyone who is anyone in our lives automatically applies a high set of expectations for the first born. I remember when I was in school and would get an 18 outta 20 on an exam (which is an A+) I would rush home and ask my father, “Abu guess what I got on my math exam!”…he would casually say, “20?” as I noticed my ego and excitement deflate instantly...you are not only supposed to be responsible, sensible, intelligent, witty and wise to make your parents proud, but you have the added pressure of being the role model and setting an example for your younger siblings, whether you are eight or twenty eight- and that can be oh so tough…but these expectations/pressures don’t stop there nor do they solely apply to the eldest child. Our family, teachers/school, siblings, peers, religion, society and to a large extent the mass media all impose different pressures on us and are crucial factors that shape our personalities and make us who we are.

We are told by the media ‘thin is beautiful’, we are told by our parents that we must be well mannered, polite, intelligent, honest, honorable, decent human beings; we are told by our friends that we must be cool, smart, funny and fun to be with; we are told by our teachers to be brilliant, athletic well rounded individuals and of course everyone wants us to be shiny happy people…all smiles all the time…but what if you don’t feel shiny and happy 24 hours a day? What if your not super model skinny? What if you hate swimming?!!? Or worse- don’t know how to... None of us can be all these things and especially not all the time…then why the unrealistic and totally unattainable level of expectations?!?! I don’t know about you but I feel that once high expectations have been imposed on you it becomes a constant struggle/battle to keep up because the higher the expectations, the greater the chance of disappointment.…Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try I just cannot and do not measure up to the unrealistic, superwoman expectations to be oh so perfect by those around me…why cant we just love and accept our loved ones for who they are and not what we want them to be!??!whyyyyy?

Escape Vs. Reality

Many times in life you find yourself at a crossroads, not knowing which path to take...that's where I find myself today...I'm faced with a serious dilemma-I was all set to go to London this September for a masters in international marketing management to the Regents Business School-turns out my parents dont want me to go! how did this happen!?!well one: London bombings= london’s unsafe, back lash anticipated =my parents too scared to let me go- thank you al qaeda...two: both my sisters are at college in Toronto,my brother is in school and at sixteen he's oh so busy doing his thang, work has forced my father to spend the majoirty of his time in good old isloo which leaves my mother all alone in lahore, so abandoning her could possibly be the most selfish and ruthless move ever, considering the millions of sacrifices shes made for me over the years…three: the alternative is to work which seems like an exciting prospect but it means getting out of my bubble and start living in the real world arghhh...the problem is I want to go to London so bad, it almost feels like a NEED...you see the reason my post college transition was so smooth was because at the back of my head I knew I was leaving in a year…because I didn’t feel this was forever and saw light at the end of the tunnel I didn’t feel the intense suffocation/frustration/feeling trapped post college phenomenon…right now London seems sooo close yet soooooo far…a whole year to be on my own, to be at college again in my own little apartment- the freedom= no curfews, no restrictions, no obligations per se- the trips sana and I had planned to random locations in europe…good food, the cinemas, walking around, the riding classes we were supposed to take, the plan to face my worse nightmare- accouting and finance and knowing that I can have a masters degree by next summer…but my biggest reason for wanting to go to london (besides the fact that sana will never forgive me for ditching her last minute) is to escape the marriage question…but right now everything is at stake-everything in question...one thing's for sure though-London is the perfect escape!

The other option is to face the reality that is my life (I know I want to live in my own country, don’t wanna be a brain drain stat and want to try and make whatever little difference I can to the plight of my own people and give back to the country that has given me everything I have ever needed) work in pakistan and just learn to adjust…In an effort to convince me of just that, my father sent me to spend the day with Hina Rabbani Khar (who btw is tooo damn cool) to work on the One Village One Product programme. Although the programme is in the incubator stage right now, I got a chance to see it materialize, first hand and it was a long, exciting and exhausting day. The One Village, One Product programme started in Japan to promote regional revitalization and was adopted by Thailand, Korea and Malaysia. Basically what happens is that each local community identifies one (in some cases more) locally unique product (for example Multan is famous for its tiles), the product is then “modernized” by top designers so that it can be sold (this includes design/packaging/ marketing), a local brand is established, and the products are then sold to the domestic market and/or beyond. As a result you speed up development of the local economy, boost rural development and empower these brilliant craftsmen (who in most cases are women) by providing them a market to sell their goods (teaching them to fish vs. giving them fish, philosophy). So you are able to create a positive economic and social impact. It’s a huge task and a great opportunity and I cant help but think I’ll be a big fat fool not to take it.

FACT: If I leave my mother alone I will absolutely die of guilt- it is my responsibility as the eldest and a part of me knows I should own up to it. FACT: most of my friends are back from college and its so tempting to stay back just for that.FACT: Regents business school isn’t exactly Harvard FACT: I will always regret not going to London sp. if my life long desire/hunger for higher education is not satiated FACT: I will have to deal with the marriage question cos I wont be able to get away with saying I’m studying- daimmmmm FACT: I have paid a hefty registration fee which of course is non-refundable FACT: I need to get away, need a break, need the freedom, need to be on my own…yes there are pros and cons for both options but it boils down to this--- > I can either study/learn about marketing management in London or practice it by working here in Pakistan…maybe this is my chance to contribute/to do my little bit for my country instead of just talking about it…maybe I should put my plans for masters on hold for now, work and apply next year…but why do I know in my gut- its now or never!

To escape or not to escape that is the question…

escape