Great Expectations
The tragedy of being the eldest child in your family (apart from the fact that you are a guinea pig) is that your parents expect you to be absolutely perfect. The eldest child is expected to be responsible, sensible, intelligent, witty and wise...And it’s not just parents who impose this pressure on us; almost everyone who is anyone in our lives automatically applies a high set of expectations for the first born. I remember when I was in school and would get an 18 outta 20 on an exam (which is an A+) I would rush home and ask my father, “Abu guess what I got on my math exam!”…he would casually say, “20?” as I noticed my ego and excitement deflate instantly...you are not only supposed to be responsible, sensible, intelligent, witty and wise to make your parents proud, but you have the added pressure of being the role model and setting an example for your younger siblings, whether you are eight or twenty eight- and that can be oh so tough…but these expectations/pressures don’t stop there nor do they solely apply to the eldest child. Our family, teachers/school, siblings, peers, religion, society and to a large extent the mass media all impose different pressures on us and are crucial factors that shape our personalities and make us who we are.We are told by the media ‘thin is beautiful’, we are told by our parents that we must be well mannered, polite, intelligent, honest, honorable, decent human beings; we are told by our friends that we must be cool, smart, funny and fun to be with; we are told by our teachers to be brilliant, athletic well rounded individuals and of course everyone wants us to be shiny happy people…all smiles all the time…but what if you don’t feel shiny and happy 24 hours a day? What if your not super model skinny? What if you hate swimming?!!? Or worse- don’t know how to... None of us can be all these things and especially not all the time…then why the unrealistic and totally unattainable level of expectations?!?! I don’t know about you but I feel that once high expectations have been imposed on you it becomes a constant struggle/battle to keep up because the higher the expectations, the greater the chance of disappointment.…Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try I just cannot and do not measure up to the unrealistic, superwoman expectations to be oh so perfect by those around me…why cant we just love and accept our loved ones for who they are and not what we want them to be!??!whyyyyy?
posted by Meher at 2:15 AM
37 Comments:
Just 'ran into' your blog randomly and found this post amusing lol.Being the youngest, I can easily attest to the fact that we have it the worst.If you have overachievers for elder siblings, the pressure's on you to be atleast as good if not better than them in every way(which I could never be).Plus we're bullied, and even made to wear lipstick and high heels in public by older sisters at the tender age of 5(ok once, but still).Therefore, we can conclude that maybe beech waley siblings have it good?lol.
p.s this is weird but i actually recognize 2 people from my lcas batch here :o|.creepy.
pps how can anyone hate swimming?
6:44 AM
I would disagree with the 'beech waalay siblings having it good' as being very much a beech wala i know what it feels like to see the elder siblings being the ones who are confided in about everything and the youngest one being showered with everything from love to ps2s and xbox's and cellphones at the age of 10(what is up with that!) the 'beech wala' usually gets neglected untill its time to get lectured when you're grades dont reach the standard set by your elder siblings or your brains dont match the youngest..I think whichever way you're born the first second or third child(or fourth heh) it all carries with it ups and downs.
10:10 AM
Being the eldest is as prone to family doublespeak as anything else; if you make an adult decision "you're too young to know better", but if you don't want to cook because you feel you can survive fine on pancakes and omellettes, "you're old enough to take cooking seriously". Which is obviously worse if your sibling and you are the same age, because then parents have absolutely no visible age gap to give them perspective and say "haan no she doesn't act like her drooling siblings so she MUST be older". It's not that parents expectations are wrong (again i speak for my case, which might not be the same as yours) in that i expect just as much from myself, but it's the inconsistency in standards that is irksome.
11:50 AM
aahh the curse of being the eldest.its tuff.ure right the eldest is the guinea pig.the eldest has to set the exampole.the eldest has to have all kinds of pressures and expectations placed on him/her.but as for the pressures of society thats applicable to everyone.be it eledest,middle one or youngest.u seem to be a strong girl(hehe) so u can take everything in ure stride.but in all honesty uve reached the stage in life where its you who is going to be setting the bar for yourself.its you who is going to try to achieve your own dreams/ambitions and goals.its you who can judge fairly well by now whats right and whats not.whats important and whats not.so hang in there dubya youll scrape through just fine.
12:08 PM
oh im noticing a pattern regarding how you end your thought provoking and brilliant posts.
"why cant we just love and accept our loved ones for who they are and not what we want them to be!??!whyyyyy?"
"Why can’t we stop pointing fingers at others who have treated us unfairly? Why can’t we improve ourselves? Strengthen ourselves from within?whyyyyyyyy?!?"
id like to share a song with u.it was a semester song once upon a time.it goes like this.
Oh tell me why...can we build castles in the sky oh tell me why....
i say:dont worry itll be all good
u say:yeah sure..easy for you to say u #$#%&&.
i say: see uve vented ure anger.u feel better now dont you.
u say:$^*&*^%%$#@$%^&**^
12:14 PM
Hi There! Someone definitely needs to go on a holiday......;)))
Ure writings have started showing the frustrations one feels before taking a next step in life or not gettin what they want....and a holiday for this type of frustration would be just what u need!!!...Now i dont mean take a trip to MotherIndia or FakeDubai...same ppl same bull everywhere...What u really need is therapy!!! Be that aroma,water,sand,shopping or partying on tequilla! U need to feel like Paris Hilton for atleasr a week...lol...the muslin version ofocurse...a bit less wilder than the real thing!!!So pack ure bags and head off to somewhere like Maldives or Mauritius....the tan might suit u if ure fair or give u an added shine if ure black...lol...By the way, in Africa the latest hit is this new cream which is called "Black and Lovely" ;))))...lol...just a thought for all those who are dark...u guys have been apreciated by the Africans...;)))...now thats funny...lol...so cheer up....And if u cant do none then honey simply TAKE URE MASK OFF HALLOWEEN'S OVER!:))))
Ciao
12:52 PM
oh my goddd meher!
u have to send me this pic,lol!
i still remember the day!
anyways...im so glad i have ali, who's now going thru a rebellious phase and making me look sooo good, and docile!lol!
but i agree, there are so many things we have to confirm to, at some point u lose track of what and how u wanted urself to be.
for the record i tried to confirm to society's requirment of me being super model thin...but the punjabi film actress won out over the super model!lol!
so shut up! i hate looking at the pics u guys send me, cuz ur all beautiful!whiny brat!
4:19 PM
aiyan: "If you have overachievers for elder siblings,the pressure's on you to be atleast as good if not better than them in every way" you are right there is pressure on children regardless of birth order and it doesnt help if your older siblings have set the bar high BUT my point is that most of us(first borns)are not born "overachievers" we've been programmed,brainwashed and pushed and pushed and pushed to become that way...for our parents and to set an example for the younger siblings...the pressure of knowing you must act/behave/be/study a certain way so your siblings can follow is tremendous...maybe the grass is always greener on the other side and maybe if i were the youngest child i would feel differently but i seriously doubt it!!!!!
of course younger siblings are bullied to a certain extent hahaha but it makes them stronger individuals who are better able to face the big bad world hahaha plus you have hilarious stories to recount forever! the upside to having older siblings is that they can act as a buffer/middle man with your parents and life is sooooo smooth...you always have someone to confide in/take advice from bla blee bloo
p.s i dont hate swimming i just dont know how to :)
1:19 AM
saleeha: there are some serious disadvantages to being the middle child one: sometimes you may not be taken as seriously as you would like and feel neglected but i think younger siblings take the eldest for granted and only see the privileges they enjoy and not the insults and injuries they have endured...they dont realize how hard they had to work and fight for the privileges that you as younger siblings take for granted and automatically received...one MAJOR advantage that is exclusive to the middle child is that he/she can be a kid or an adult at will, depending on their mood: he/she can hang out with younger siblings and cousins be "accepted" and act like a fool and be loved for doing so as a "grown up"...on the other hand you can try and fit yourself in with your older siblings and/or cousins and be a part of the grown up world as well albeit as a kid...but i totally agree with you when you say "I think whichever way you're born the first second or third child(or fourth heh) it all carries with it ups and downs." trueee thattttt
1:31 AM
Moizza: "It's not that parents expectations are wrong in that i expect just as much from myself, but it's the inconsistency in standards that is irksome." yup the 'inconsistency in standards'is what kills you and frustrates you to noooo end!
1:34 AM
J to the R: "but in all honesty uve reached the stage in life where its you who is going to be setting the bar for yourself.its you who is going to try to achieve your own dreams/ambitions and goals.its you who can judge fairly well by now whats right and whats not.whats important and whats not." i knowww that and as far as my own standards are concerned im doing great...my only problem is that doing the best i can and being happy with myself and my achievements is irrelevant cos it just doesnt seem good enough sometimes seen from my parents eyes...maybe im taking the sometimes= the rough patches and thinking its alll the time...but you know what i mean...the problem is those closest to us are our harshest critics,parents more than siblings,siblings more than friends and friends more than acquaintances...and the closer the connection the more it hurts...I guess it makes sense that the ones you lurveeeee and who make you happy can hurt you the most aswell
1:46 AM
anonymous mystery person: you are righttt i NEED a vacation and nowwww...i guess my frustration has started to seep through my writing and thats terribleee...and must be addressed and fixed asap...and thank you for your insightful comments/info on the "Black and Lovely" cream hahahaha
1:52 AM
khizzy khizzy khizzy when you are two siblings of the opposite sex with hardly any age difference none of this applies...there areee countless advantages to being you and thats why you are on cloud khizzy hahaha...its not like your actions will directly affect ur brother in any negative way cos hey we all know that
unfortunately there are different standards/expectations from guys and they can get away with murder...and as the only girl so can you so shuttt ittt!!!!
1:56 AM
did i mention the fact that we're also treated like kids all our lives?lol..kher this could go on forever.everyone has it tough.bottomline. haha..btw ur last name sounds kinda familiar..did u ever live in multan at any stage of ur life? if so, my dad was ur family doctor..i remember coz some uncle tareen used to send us a monthly supply of free pepsis and i used to drink them all!! lol
7:13 AM
So like, your parents care the most about how well you do, and simply want your siblings to be able to emulate the standards you set and you're complaining?
Makes sense... i'm the youngest you see and i never really looked into the angst being suffered by the eldest, was always consumed with my own share. Although i think my eldest sistser never got it so tough. PArents went way to easy on her, probably thought they could spoil her rotten and focus thier authoratarian selves on the rest of us.
Most of what you have said, i have been made to suffer... not to set an example but more as a shot at redemption.
You ask good questions, i'll be going thru the rest of your blog over the next few days.
good job.
11:35 AM
Mystery Man says hi ;) and by the ways just to get the facts rite I am not the anonymous who wrote a song...the semester song...God No...hahahaha....lol...whats gotton wrong with these ppl...;))) who would actually come up with a song and that too a semester one...anyways...ive said what i thought abt ure article...pure frustration!...taking it out on great expectations...lol...In the previous one i told u abt going to london...i knew ud be dying to go...;) who wouldnt at ure stage in life...but even if u cant then do try for a holiday...Usually if one sells an idea which is bigger than they think theyll be able to secure the one that seems plausible comes their way easily...the art of negotiation..be that for lawyers, politicians...so using that policy i doubt a holiday would be a problem...;)...lol...
As for your Development work...Honey social & economic issues always looks good and feels good...cause its doin good for others...but one needs to be fulfilled from within to take on projects like OVOP...if one is really serious abt it and wants to make a name for themselves...anyways enough of serious talk...i prefer to be funny rather than serious even if some would say im obnoxious...lol..the serious side is usually for my constituency...lol...Plus just a passing thought...i keep on reading really long comments by Mr. Haroon Elahi Sheikh...he seems like a grandfather giving advice to his little grandkids...no offence if hes that old...but even then u need to relax mate...chill out a bit...bring some excitement in ure comments...u sound soooo serious...believe me itll do u and the readers good...and I do mean well...Ciao
11:52 AM
I think every kid has complaints, whether you're the eldest, the youngest or the one in the middle. I'm the youngest of three daughters and older than my brother. For this reason I was always caught in the middle; I had to be an elder sister to my brother, and whenever we had fights my parents would always tell me that since I was older I had to behave better, and so he got away with a lot! And as a result he was granted many small concessions that seemed huge to me at the time.. stuff like sitting in the front seat of the car or getting the top of the bunk bed!
And what seemed so unfair to me was that I never got these concessions with my older sisters! When my brother wasn't around one of them would get to sit in the front seat or sleep on the top bunk or get the better bed in a hotel room! This seems quite unimportant but you know what I mean.
I don't really think elder siblings have it tougher than the younger ones, and I'm speaking as both the youngest and the middle child. Yes we have manyyy advantages - the one I like the most is having an elder sibling to talk to or get advice on, or learn from their mistakes =p. But being the eldest you have the most say with the parents.. I mean what you say matters more, your advice counts more. And I know it must be tough to have all that pressure and expectations but Mehroo apa i don't know why you're complaining you've already lived up to all those expectations and were an excellent example for me to follow.. great grades at school, head of activites, editor of the yearbook... I was a big fat copy cat! If you were lazy and failed in school I probably would have done the same.. well, maybe a little better.
I think whatever impossible expectations parents have of you motivate you to do better and better. Imagine if they didn't expect anything of you and said we'll still love you if you get bad grades.. we would all have gotten bad grades. But I agree with Haroon when he says that parents shouldn't try to mould you into what they want you to be. Everyone's unique and has their own special talents. I think we would all strive to be better versions of ourselves instead of trying to be perfect ( we all know that there is no such thing).
6:20 PM
lol...acha na!
sue me for trying to relate!
6:54 PM
aiyan: "did u ever live in multan at any stage of ur life? if so, my dad was ur family doctor..i remember coz some uncle tareen used to send us a monthly supply of free pepsis and i used to drink them all!!" oh my Goddd...its such a small world...i lived in multan till umm about age 7 and that wasss myyyy dada and i blame him for my pepsi addiction hahaha and the two girls you recognize are sana and nahzat and they were in choueifat b4 they decided to ditch it for lcas!!
10:25 PM
beknighted: your older sister was one of the VERYY FEW exceptions to the harsh reality that is the supposed life of the eldest child...okay its not soooo bad..but you know what i mean :) is she by any chance the only daughter!?!? cos that changes the whole equation!
10:29 PM
Haroon: "Parents have the highest expectations from us and usually the eldest is the scape goat for all the tensions parents are going through." yessss we areee the guinea pig: trial and error of parenting techniques,the scapegoat and sometimes even their shrink!!
"I had decided that enough is enough and that I have to give a logical, rational, and appropiate reply to them whilst being polite." this is where i get into trouble because when you think you are right and are not asking for too much you get frustrated because they zone out,become stubborn and just wont budge...and you drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why
"parents in unity are the bow and the childern are the arrows. The childern are the torch-bearers of the family and they do indeed orginate from the parents, but they are distinct indiviuals who will try to make their difference in the world in their own special way. Parents should realize that they can only guide a child, they can not mould a child to their own personal designs. The arrow will glide far, and will definately earn it's family a great name if the relationship between it and the bow has been understanding." sooooooo trueeeeeeeeeee
"But hey, ying convinced me to start horse-ridding and yang convinced me to join the gym with him. Ying and Yang are definately postive influence. :)" hahaha true but they "convinced" you as opposed to "imposed" gym and riddin upon you and thats the difference...the choice!!!
10:38 PM
Hey mystery man just because I called you obnoxious, you don’t have to act like it every time…I knowwww the power of labels hehehe but you seem confident enough to rise above it…you know sometimes its nice to be nice…you should give it a shot…I assure you, you will enjoy it thoroughly and will not be disappointed…also it is possible to be humorous without insulting others, contrary to what life at Aitchison may have taught you, the two don’t go hand in hand…I don’t mean to lecture you or sound like a ms know all…its just that your comments are screaming for some friendly advice : ) so tardah!!!!!!
Haroon is fabulous and at 18 he possesses more intelligence and maturity than all of us put together…the semester song guy is a friend of mine and that was an inside joke...about the post and your comments- “Usually if one sells an idea which is bigger than they think theyll be able to secure the one that seems plausible comes their way easily...the art of negotiation…be that for lawyers, politicians...so using that policy i doubt a holiday would be a problem” excellent point and great idea…im A going on a vacation!!!!! You seem to have the confidence, belief in yourself, energy, possibly even the intelligence to be a success story- two vital ingredients for a successful political career,that seem missing at this point though; diplomacy and humility- acquire those and im sure you will go places and all your dreams will come true…all the best in the up coming elections!!!! I hope you kick ass!!
3:07 PM
malo and lily seem to be experiencing the same experiment.i think what they have to face is worse than us eldest ones .
the funny thing is one day we all will be parents and will do the exact same things as our parents.
3:21 PM
bubby: the prob is you can be comfortable with yourself regardless of the expectations but that does not ensure appreciation and/or acceptance...know what i mean.."its about knowing the difference between the "expectations' that we want to cave into or 'cater' to- to put it more positively, and those that are totally unacceptable to us." true but what if one way or another you've always caved in!?! and now they just take it for granted and get upset when you dont?!?!you can have an unlimited supply of self-esteem and/or confidence but how does that change the expectations your parents have of you?!?!because sometimes what you expect from yourself your own standards and boundaries are different from the ones they have/expect from you...catch my drift you saaaaxy thang?!?!
3:35 PM
jarrar you traitorrrrrrrrrrrr
3:40 PM
Mals: "i think every kid has complaints, whether you're the eldest, the youngest or the one in the middle." true!
"I had to be an elder sister to my brother, and whenever we had fights my parents would always tell me that since I was older I had to behave better, and so he got away with a lot! And as a result he was granted many small concessions that seemed huge to me at the time.. stuff like sitting in the front seat of the car or getting the top of the bunk bed!
And what seemed so unfair to me was that I never got these concessions with my older sisters! When my brother wasn't around one of them would get to sit in the front seat or sleep on the top bunk or get the better bed in a hotel room! This seems quite unimportant but you know what I mean." i do know what you mean!! but as a middle child you were able to be a part of both worlds to a certain extent...also maybe because you were in the middle you learnt from our mistakes and became the most solid,genuinely good hearted, mature and hilarious woman of substance sense and sensibility hahahaha...you truly are the BEST person i have ever met chun chun and im sooooo proud of you...
"But being the eldest you have the most say with the parents.. I mean what you say matters more, your advice counts more." true but you know parents tend to use a different set of criteria/standards from which they judge the eldest child and thats why its so tough the'inconsistency in standards'as moizza said...
"I think whatever impossible expectations parents have of you motivate you to do better and better. Imagine if they didn't expect anything of you and said we'll still love you if you get bad grades.. we would all have gotten bad grades." i know it comes from a good place and jarrar is right we will prob do the same when we become parents but sometimes it would be nice not to be judged at all...just loved and accepted for who you are-good or bad!
"I think we would all strive to be better versions of ourselves instead of trying to be perfect ( we all know that there is no such thing)... excellent point!!!!!
smoochie
3:59 PM
Hi there!Mystery Obnoxious Man back again...Oh no...Im so sorry if i offended ppl on your blog...Didnt know u guys were in ure 18's...So please accept my apology! As for humility and diplomacy...I have enough of it to reach the stage I am at...otherwise without it the only person I know whos been successful is Imran Khan!!!But then again even Khan Sahib could not win a seat in his first election cause of his low humility and diplomatic skills...So ure rite in stressing on these two vital ingredients...
But If I may add in my defence, im the kinda of person who likes to joke around alot and that does make ppl laugh...which doesnt necessarily mean hurting them...PLEASE...Im not making fun of Poor ppl on the streets with one leg or no arms...Im not cursing ppl...Im not even destroying their egos...I cant...and im sure they know that I cant get to them...I dont even know u guys and u dont know me!!!Maybe thats why it sounds OBNOXIOUS.
I believe a bit of humour is always good...Now i didnt know Mr.Haroon Elahi Sheikh is an 18yr old...for that he is exceptional in what he writes...but then again if i think he needs to add humour to his comments does not make me "obnoxious"...maybe its a good advice to someone whos growing up...who knows...and as for the other anonymous...come on...it was a bit funny to read the semester song ;) Now if I would have jokingly complimented an African by sayin "Nice Glasses Maan", when he wasnt wearing one and I was pointing to his nostrils"!!!Or if there was an african around me and I would have joked around with him/her by asking "What do u call a Somalian shitting in the middle of a road? Ans: A Show Off!!!...Now thats obnoxious,sick and disturbing...if u know what i mean...So again Apologies to all those who got offended in the process...I hope u realise humour is the most important weapon with which u could get through anything in life! Take Care and do keep smiling !!!
7:18 PM
haroon: yayyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!i am so relieved!!!!
Anonymous mystery man: i see your point and i hope u see mine!!!
3:37 AM
Fatima: i thought i had it baddd as the eldest but after reading all the comments i totally agree that "everyone's got problems...it doesnt matter where u stand in the sibling hierarchy"
nahz: "regarding expectations..i feel we ALL undergo the pressures of being the 'perfect child'...and the irony is, there is no 'perfect', yet we all still seek it!!whyyyy?" good question nahzy...and i think mariam is right we shoould all try to become better versions of ourselves...i guess i parents will always have high expectations of us...we just have to figure out a way to deal with it; have to find a way/method to appease them even when we dont measure up and disappoint them...and i think your approach is pretty damn fool proof...hate you for that hhahaha...my tooo blunt and honest for my own good approach has cost me and big time!!!arghhh...must change that and immediately...
3:53 AM
haroon didnt u get the password.if u have then better start posting man and
meher:my tooo blunt and honest for my own good approach has cost me and big time!!!arghhh...must change that and immediately...
i completely concur.hehe.better late than never huh?
11:42 AM
comment #38
4:14 PM
I didn't check this blog for a day and didn't realise I missed so much!
I just want to thank Mehroo apa for what she said although it's very far from the truth but thanks for saying it all the same mroo =p I love ya!!!! And since we're being nice let me say that you seriously have been the best older sister to me.. seriously! Don't know what I'd do without u!!!
I think thats what makes younger siblings lucky.. having older sisters or brothers to help them out growing up.
And I agree with Jarrar Shah (bhai) when he said that we'll probably do the same when we become parents. I think it's because all parents want their kids to be as good as they possibly can, naturally. And that's why they have high expectations. But that doesn't mean we have to live up to all their expectations, thats kind of impossible.. we have to balance it between making them happy (we owe them that much) and being who we are. There's no solid solution to how this balance can be reached but we have to try.. that's life I guess.
9:12 PM
A recent convert. Never the less, here are my thoughts about your blog:
Societal norms and pressures can get to anyone. Even our beloved super man touched base with that part of reality. What’s important is that we don’t let those norms define us as individuals; dictate our transitions through the various life experiences. We Pakistani's (especially your gender) tend to succumb to pressure in extra-ordinary circumstances without putting up a good fight. (Not that I am claiming that women have it easy in Pakistan; on the contrary) Believe me, every one classifies their circumstances as unique, impossible and incomprehensible. It’s our approach towards problem resolution, which needs a lot of work. I as an individual have given birth (thankfully not childbirth) to regret on several occasions but I take comfort in the fact that I owned my mistakes. I can sleep better at night. People have conquered continents, inspired revolutions due to their steadfastness and self belief and we "the aspiring" twenty something's cant even take a stand for a plausible cause when deemed necessary. (Take parents for example) There is a huge difference between being a sacrificial lamb and attaining a strategic compromise. We have to set our own goals, reach or exceed them on our own terms; for ourselves. Traditions; like religion can be misconstrued to serve any purpose. Look at the state of our world today. Who are the sacrificial lambs and who are their string bearers? Who blows themselves up for the sake of a cause and who preaches the justification and validity of its absurd idealism. I can only hope that we the “somewhat enlightened one’s” can understand and further teach the distinction
2:11 PM
absolutely!
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11:16 PM
Meher, your dad must be a psycho if he expects a dumb girl like u to get a perfect 20.
5:18 AM
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