The Frustration of Fear and Fantasies

When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun and happiness with little or no regard for repercussions, you say what you mean/do as you please and somehow just deal with the consequences. You feel like no matter what happens you will be okay…As you grow older you tend to become more cautious, you think before you speak, you look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all...the fear of failure, disappointment, regret and repercussions is enough for most of us not to take that leap of faith…fearing repetition of past mistakes and remembering the pain that was associated with them, you shy away from new opportunities- feeling you have too much to lose… With the passage of time your idealistic ideologies and fantasies about life slowly start to disintegrate and before you know it they are replaced by new “realistic” versions altered by the course of negative personal experiences and of course that FEAR…be it choosing a career path, a partner, making new friends and trusting old ones…you learn to protect yourself as a voice from within tells you “ don’t be so trusting” “don’t be so naive” “wake up and smell the damn coffee”…that voice from with in that knows how you have suffered along the way on account of blind faith, trust and the feeling of invincibility-all the wonders of youth and the magic that surrounds it.

When you’re in school all you have to really do is make sure you get into college, when you’re in college all you have to do is make it to class and get decent grades but come graduation and BOOM…you ask yourself “what do I wanna be when I grow up” and then you think “wait a minute…I have grown up! What do I want to do? What do I wanna be? Who do I wanna be with?!?! FOREVER…and that’s scary…the thing is since birth we are told by those around us that we can do anything and be anyone-the choices are endless…but when you grow up you realize that once you choose one option (a job, a career, a guy) all other options go away…even scarier!! The most frustrating part of it all is that when you’re faced with any important decision you worry yourself to death thinking about anything and everything that can possibly go wrong…So amidst a haze of fear and anxiety you’re left to wonder what you really want, why and for how long

I feel like a contradiction…I don’t want to let go of my fantasies…I want to believe-in myself and those around me…I want to believe in true love, in the perfect job that you love and adore-that not only makes you feel productive but gives you a reason to wake up every morning with a smile on your face looking forward to the day ahead…I want to trust, even if I get hurt in the process…BUT the fear of permanence/the idea that this is FOREVER renders me unable to commit to anything…knowing that I have made mistakes in the past and how I have suffered I cant help but worry myself to death with every possible scenario and so many questions-“what if I fail” “what if I get hurt” “ will I really be able to recover- again?!?!”…choices/options/decisions…. weighing the pros and cons, calculating the probability of failure a 1001 times, I convince myself its just not worth it and in an effort to protect myself I decide to take no action at all, cos I figure that way I’ll be safe…but the truth is that is a sad saddd existence…I feel absolutely incapacitated and trapped in a prison of my own making…the truth is sometimes letting go is the only way to move forward because living life in constant fear is not living at all…So this is what I’ve decided to do- I’m going to tell that scared little voice from within to shut up…I’m not letting go of my fantasies…I don’t want to live this jaded existence…I’m going to trust! I’m going to believe and not look back! I’m going to take that leap of faith! Because I would rather try and fail than not try at all…but this time I’m going to dream big and take small steps!! Veryyy small steps and just hope/wish/pray for the absolute best! inshallah!

me