Troubled At Twelve

When I was 12 I had my first pre-pre-pre mid life crisis with the emergence of Kriss Kross and TLC…they were kids my age who had made it big and somehow their success made me feel like a failure…I was slapped on the face with the realization that there are people more talented/smarter/cooler than me…not just in my own social setting but in the world out there/the bigger picture. It was at twelve that I realized I wanted to get me some of that acclaim/applause/fame…amused by the emergence of such young talent my parents would say, “Mehroo dekha hai they are your ageeee” and I would be thinking “ Yeaa I knowww stop rubbing my failures in my face” as I gave them a fake smile hahaha… I was a hilarious kid who took herself too seriously haha..I guess it comes with the terrain of being the eldest…I was really harsh on myself since it dawned upon me that I had no real talent…I couldn’t sing/dance/play a sport/play an instrument…at least not on national level and certainly not on an international level… “Ha! Jack of all trades master of none” I thought to myself…and then Dougie Houser MD, child prodigy appeared on the scene and I knew it was game over for me…hahaha…and I completely gave up!

As I grew up I got over it…but the familiar feelings would come creeping back now and then…for example I was ecstatic to get into the University of Michigan and was very proud of my performance there…but then I found out that a kid from my school got into Harvard, and while I was extremely proud of him, I couldn’t help but think why not me…I couldn’t help but reproach myself for not having studied harder, for not having participated in enough extra-curricular activities, for not being a world class athlete...today feelings of inadequacy come rushing back when I see people like Sania Mirza carving out a name for themselves in the world out there while I sit here on my ass thinking about all the things I want to achieve but never do anything about…but today my feelings are conflicted, because on the one hand I hate myself for not having achieved as much/or anything for that matter hahaha…while on the other hand I look up to these young stars, I appreciate their talent and salute their hard work and dedication. A feeling of overwhelming pride comes over me when I see one of my “own” people ( Pakistani/Muslim/people my age/women) make it out there in the big bad world and I cant help but smile, I cant help but wish them all the best, I cant help but pray for them and cheer them on.

The truth is there will always be people out there who are smarter/cooler/taller/fairer/prettier/thinner/brighter/funnier/richer, just as they will be people who are worse of than you and me...we just be happy with what we’ve got and make the most of our own assets…its important to understand that the competition is not/should not be with other people per se but in the end the competition is only with our selves…the goal should not be to be no. 1 in the rat race...but instead to push ourselves to do the best we can do and be the best that we can be…and some day soon we will all make a difference in this world we live in, in our own little way...inshallah!
sania

IRONIC

The truth is life is IRONIC…there are so many oh so ironic anecdotes we can narrate from our own experiences and hundreds we can see in the lives of those around us...so it makes perfect sense that the mass media/pop culture (mainly movies, songs etc) has capitalized on this phenomena and thus created material time and time again to reflect this truth (the ironies of life!) of these my favorite is Carlito’s Way…

Al Pacino, the sexiest man alive, plays a Puerto Rican ex-con Carlito, who after serving time, pledges to stay away from his former drug dealing ways but finds himself being dragged back by his past connections into a life of violence and crime. Hoping to raise enough money to get away from New York, Carlito starts running a nightclub, renews an affair with a dancer/old fling/lovahhh and tries to escape his past. When he finally finallyyyy decides to move away to Florida and start a fresh, standing at the train station he smirks, having defeated all his "enemies"….at that moment, Benny Blanco appears outta the blue and stabs him to death. Who the hell is Benny Bronco you ask?!?! his fatalll enemy..his evil twin brother..his lovahhh’s boyfriend?!?! NUP here’s the ironic bit…

Benny was one of those young, upcoming hustler/gangster types who saw Carlito as a role model…Anyway Benny sees Carlito in his club, comes up to him and starts kissing his ass, saying stuff like ohhh ur the greatest..i look up to you bla blee bloo

Carlito for some bizarre reason goes mad and says, “Who the fudge are you? I should remember you? What, you think you like me? You ain't like me motherfudger, you a punk. I've been with made people, connected people. Who've you been with? Chain snatching, jive-ass, maricon motherfudgers. Why don't you get out of here and go snatch a purse.” And thennn Carlito has him beaten up for no reason at alllllllll..probably cos he was in a bad mood, didn’t feel threatened by this kid and thought he would get away with it…basically he was trying to be too cool and phelaoo-fy his dehshat…So isn’t it ironic that Carlito ( the supposed Don) after having defeated all the big shots in the game...was killed by a kid who could have been his biggest ally/sidekick… all because he was in a bad mood...Daymnnnnn!!!

So yea Alanis Morrisette had it right a decade ago.. Life is sooo ironic!!!

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardoned two minutes too late
Isn't it ironic... don't you think?

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
“Well isn't this nice...”
And isn't it ironic... don't you think?

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic... don't you think?
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think...

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

I’ve added two verses of mine own :)

He says all the things you’ve waited so long to hear
That he wants you, needs you, loves you and how much he cares
But it’s a year too late
Ahhh the ironies of fate!
Isn’t it ironic..dont you think?

You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone
Then you feel like banging your head against the wall cos ur so frustrated and torn
But don’t worry baby, cos like a phoenix you can be re-born
hahahahahaha

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

I know every cloud has a silver lining..and its all good BUT
Isn’t it ironiccccccccccc…dont YOU think?!?!

my Al

Free Will Vs. Predestination

Aightt..lets talk religion for a minute...this free will and predestination debate has confused me to no end, time and time again..but I think i've finally found a way to make sense of it and draw some sort of conclusion...Okay..In Islam the term predestination refers to God’s decision to create and to govern creation, and deals with the extent to which God's decisions determine ahead of time what the destiny of groups and individuals will be. For example, He has foreordained the span of every person's life, and their lot of good or bad fortune, who they will marry and so on. What I want to discuss is the extent to which salvation and damnation are decided by God before hand, and the extent to which these matters are decided by human beings themselves. Are people confined by God to particular roles/lives/a certain destiny or kismat or do they have free will to make their own destiny? Basically the question is when people say " It's not my fault..yeh tu meri kismat thee to hona he tha no matter what i did!" are they right!?!

Risaleh-i-Barkhavi says: “Not only can He (Allah) do anything, He actually is the only One Who does anything. When a man writes, it is Allah who has created in his mind the will to write. Allah at the same time gives the power to write, then brings about the motion of the hand and the pen and the appearance upon paper. All other things are passive, Allah alone is active.”

The Quran says, “If Allah had willed He would have made you one nation. But He leads astray whom He will and guides whom He will. But you shall certainly be called to account for all your actions.” (Sura 16: 93)

Hmmm…kinda confusing..pre-ordained sin ("he leads astray whom He will") yet man is held responsible?("But you shall certainly be called to account for all your actions.")What confuses me is that if God knows everything, He must know the future of every human being before his/her birth, and if He knows the future- he knows who will do what, how everyone will die and whether they will go to heaven or hell. How then can we be free? and then why the whole game with satan if He knows how its going to end?!!Since Allah has power over everything, He knows and decides everything in His universe and whatever happens in this world happens according to Allah's will (Be it poverty, war, rape, famine, murder, homosexuality and so on).Then why are we held responsible for our actions?! If we don’t have free will and God has decided our fate before our birth why are we judged according to our actions here on earth and punished or rewarded accordingly!?!

The other point of view is that although Allah has the knowledge and power over all things, He has also granted freedom to human beings. Allah's power and foreknowledge do not mean that human beings have no freedom, nor does human freedom negate Allah's power and foreknowledge. Human beings are free only as much as Allah has granted them the freedom. Thus Allah will judge us according to the freedom and responsibility that He gave us.

After some seriously severe confusion about this topic, my conclusion is that Allah knowing how a new born will lead his/her life does not interfere directly with that child’s free will; it does not affect the decisions that child will make during the course of his/her life. For example if you’ve watched Constatine, God and satan both influence human beings to do good and bad deeds respectively, but the final choice is up to us. Another example is that of a parent who knows his/her child will fail the exam because he/she is not studying, but that does not affect the child’s decision to study/not study/fail/pass. Therefore Allah's power and knowledge and human freedom may not be mutually exclusive. I believe we do have free will, albeit limited, because things like birth, death, whether we are born an empress/prince or a pauper, the religion we are born in to and so on (the larger framework) has been predetermined; but we do have free will in the smaller framework( how we choose to live our life).

Also this is how I have made sense of the concepts of predestination and free will: Both exist in varying degrees and I believe that God has said okay if this person chooses path A, xyz will happen and if he/she chooses path B, jkl will happen and so on. So we have the free will to choose option A, B or C but once we choose a certain path ( e.g marry ali instead of raza, study math instead of history etc) then the other obstacles/gifts on that path are predetermined. Moreover since there is no concept of time for Allah, our whole dilemma about Him knowing before our birth etc becomes totally irrelevant. So basically I think we have free will and so we are tested and judged based on what God has given each of us individually. This is just my interpretation and the conclusions I have come to..lemme know what you guys think.



heaven/hell

The Phoenix

Sitting here writing my first blog I have to say I feel very Carrie Bradshaw-ish…something I secretly craved but never thought I would have…for some reason I feel the need to introduce myself..having graduated last year from the University of Michigan I took a year of to relax, breathe, catch up on four years of sleep deprivation and basically sort out my life… adjusting to life in Lahore was easier than I had initially anticipated but like most people moving back after college I experienced the usual post college blues…waking up in the morning slightly disoriented, expecting to wake up in my little apartment in Ann Arbor, snapping at anyone in my family who dared to criticize me, craving the Thai food I liveddd on, no curfews, walking around the campus, the side walk cafes, thanksgiving trips with my friends to random destinations, and yes even the cruel cruel Michigan winter. So yeah moving back to Lahore definitely had its panic attack/suffocation moments but of course life here does have its innumerable advantages and so you learn to adjust. Anyway, when I finally arrived in Lahore I made a list of all the things I would do:
1. Gym
2. Learn how to drive (yes I know it sounds crazy but after a hilarious yet near fatal accident I just couldn’t get myself to sit behind the wheel)
3. Spend time with my family and rebuild/reestablish the bonds that have suffered because of the four years spent apart.
4. Finally read the Quran with the translation.(kinda defeats the purpose otherwise)

Anyway the year went by in a flash …of course I never did most of the things listed above...except finally reading the Quran and bonding with my family…now a year gone by and here I am going for my masters to London in two months…

At a time like this you look back on your life and start to reevaluate and critically analyze it…you think about what you have achieved and all the things you haven’t..which are usually greater…looking back on the last 23 yrs of my life I thought of about my childhood, the random games, ring around the roses (pronounced ringa ringa roses at the time hahaha) playing ninja turtles, earth garden river ocean sea, teacher teacher (haha)Atari etc, my first day of school and the tears when my father left me- the betrayal!!, choueifat and eight years of absolute joy, applying to college, the ecstasy of an acceptance letter and the four fabulous years at college. I thought about the people who mattered to me at all those different stages of my life, about promises made, promises broken, and about the few friendships that endured the test of time. I thought about the expectations my friends and family had of me and whether I was able to live up to them; I thought about what kind of a person I’ve been (daughter/ sister/ friend/ girlfriend). And of course I thought about all the frustratinggggg mistakesssss along the way that I so desperately want to take back but know I can’t.

When I was a kid I thought by 23 I would have it all sorted. I assumed that I would have finished college, I would have a great job and successful career, the perfect man who would adore me (intelligent, charming, hilarious, good looking, would take care of me, you know the kinda guy who kisses you on the forehead) I thought I would be self assured and oh so mature. Sitting here right now I realize I have none of that…no guy no job no career no definitive goals and maturity?!?! Ha I feel like I’m sixteen…I have always hated uncertainty I have always planned my life in a way that I know what will happen next year but today- I know nothing!!! And in a weird way (and I surprise myself when I say this) this is such a liberating feeling. Sitting here alone on my bed I know I’m content in a strange and wonderful way. Yeah I’m scared to death and my mind is cluttered with a million questions about how my life will be- will my life be ordinary or extraordinary? Will I be rich or poor? Will I live in my own little bubble or will I do something worthwhile for my country? Will I make my parents proud? Who the hell will I marry? Will he love and adore me? Will I be a good mother? Will I live to be a grandmother? Will I go to heaven or hell? How will I be remembered after I’m gone?!?!

Today I know nothing about the future!!!!!!! I berate myself for all the things I failed to achieve, all the mistakes I could have avoided, and the good advice I didn’t take, but something tells me everythinggggs gonna be alrightttt ( Bob Marley style) And about the mistakes that I kick myself about each night before going to bed?!?! Well I have chosen to accept the mistakes of the past and learn from them (actually I’m in the process of doing that)…you see each one of us has a unique personal biography (made up of values, motivations, emotions, goals, concrete experiences). This personal biography is shaped by our gender, background, class, religion, the society we live in and the decisions we’ve made thus far in our lives; both good and bad. If none of us had ever made the mistakes we have, if we hadn’t loved and lost, if we hadn’t swayed of course- we wouldn’t be who we are today.

This is how I see it- there is always going to be a disparity between the person you are and the person you want to be, and I guess that is what keeps us motivated, keeps us going, striving harder and constantly. As Paulo Coelho puts it, "But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for."So we have to keep believing in ourselves… we have to keep fighting for whatever cause we feel passionate about…we have to understand that we will fall…we will be dealt a few bad hands..we will fail..but like a phoenix if we can rise from our own ashes we will be stronger, wiser, happier and better equipped to deal with whatever is in store for us in the future! Inshallah!





The phoenix